Running A(way)

Running; A way to sanity and away from insanity…

These past two weeks, have been some of the most difficult in my life. Through it all running has helped me maintain my center, relieve my anxiety, sadness, and overwhelm. During today’s three mile training run I discovered how much running has kept me sane.

After being blindsided by my cousin’s (brother’s) sudden death, then having to share this horrible news with my mother left me numb. So numb that my initial response was the inability to cry or physically move–Ironic for someone who is constantly moving. Shortly after sharing the news with my mother, I was able to shed tears and so many more have followed and are to come. I also found out that I had the extra responsibility of being named the executrix to his will.

As you may imagine my anxiety shifted into overwhelm! Along with my long list of responsibilities I had a bunch more heaped upon me when I was my most vulnerable. I wanted to run away. Away from the sadness, responsibility the pressure of doing the right thing being sure everyone was taken care of, but first I had to take care of me.

Self care for me includes, meditation, spiritual reading, my martial arts practice and running. The meditation, reading and martial arts required too much of my mental energy and although I continued with all those disciplines, running has been my great escape. I know for 30minutes to 2 hours all I had to focus on was the next step and next breath — This moment the only moment. I was able to cry (not pretty) mourn his loss, and try to run my anger into the ground.

After the days of the “hard running” I began noticing, dragonflies, butterflies, Cardinals, and pennies were found. I knew my cousin was safe on the other side and sending me messages. Running became a source of comfort.

I’ve been running on and off since 1991 first to prepare for my black belt, then occasionally to get into shape. It wasn’t until I was about to turn 60 that I gave myself the goal of running a half marathon, that I got serious about running. I didn’t realize until today that goal changed my life forever. It wasn’t finishing the half it was running, just running…

One Step, One Breath, This Moment; The only moment…

“Remember, Jonathan, heaven isn’t a place or a time, because place and time are so very meaningless.” From Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach.

Run on,


Home at Last

The title of this blog seems to imply I’ve been away. I haven’t – I’ve been caught up in the rat race (one I’d rather not run in). The holidays were extra busy with my mother and stepfather being under the weather – I took on more responsibility for the festivities.

After the holidays returning to work got off to a “stormy” start. Winter made its presence known and havoc on my schedule. Classes were added to weekends.

Now the Tax man cometh and gathering 2013’s paper work for the business has been less than enjoyable.

Which brings me to today the first day since the beginning of December that I can truly call my own. Back home among my books, music, yoga, journals and kitchen. I’ve had the best sort of day, a Zen day; cleaning, cooking, baking, reading, meditating, practicing yoga, Finding the “me” among the daughter, friend, teacher, sister, cousin, boss, business owner, martial artist and cat mom.

Have I learned anything about myself? Not really anything new, but unlike the “Energizer Bunny” I need to be recharged every now and again and my tiny condo apartment is my sanctuary, its me and one of the only places I can be completely me; no persona just one person. Home at last…OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA


From Here…

Did you ever wake up some mornings and say to your self how did I get here? I’m not speaking of the what happens in Vegas kind of mornings, but the morning awakenings that jar you into the present. You know the kind, the yesterday I was twenty something and had it all figured out and today I’m fifty something and haven’t a clue! You can’t figure out where the time went, how you got to be who you are and sometimes you’re not even sure you know yourself!

So what do you do from here? You can roll over and forget you’ve just received a notice from God/The Universe/Your Higher Power or you take advantage of the message and answer those questions. How? By looking for what moves your spirit. What inspires you? Start by listening to your inner voice trusting your gut! Many of us feel unfulfilled because we’ve followed paths created by others.

The next step is decide what you want and ask for it… Be willing to accept all that will come along with it – Nothing is for free. We always have karma to pay back…

As for me, I’m figuring that out, I’ll keep lacing my shoes and run, tying my belt and teach but I’ll be sitting quietly and listen to what my heart desires…




The proper frame can give an ordinary photograph or painting more depth and substance. On the other hand a poorly framed photograph can lose depth and substance. What am I getting at? Why am I so interested in framing?

I’m not interested in writing about framing photographs (although I enjoy framing photographs). I’m speaking metaphorically, I’m referring to  how we “frame” our thoughts and or beliefs. How our  view on a subject can either create depth or lose substance depending on our perspective. For example, I was informed today that I’m to be tested for my 6th Dan in February. On one hand I could view this as a challenge that my body no longer wants to endure. After all I’m 54 with a number of minor nagging complaints. Do I really need to aggravate these injuries?  On the other hand this is an honor and an opportunity for me to learn to push myself with in my limits and to be an example to my students.

Which leaves me to wonder how many times I’ll be reframing my view from now and until February? I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long winter!


Knowing No…

Everyone knows a toddlers favorite word to say is no. Toddlers in their desire for independence are constantly saying no or I don’t want to. So how is it a word that came  so easily to us at three is almost impossible to say now?

Is this an example of evolution? In order for us to survive with friends, families, bosses and pets we have lost our ability to say no? Has our desire to please and satisfy everyone else supra ceded our need for sanity and our peace of mind? Have we over committed ourselves to the point of being “committed”?

I believe I’ve lost the ability of Knowing No. In my pursuit to be the good daughter, the best friend, the ideal teacher/mentor, and the model business woman I’ve organized my life around everyone else’s needs and forgotten my own. Until today when I decided enough is enough and told my staff that  NO I won’t be in to train you this morning!

After three weeks of running around with my head cut off and being all things to all people – I put my foot down! Result I was able to block off an entire morning and afternoon to get some much needed rest and work done. I’ve regained some sanity and maybe even some respect from my staff. We’re still meeting but on my terms, and I’ll be fresher and more prepared for the meeting.

So if your in a state of overwhelm connect with your inner three year old and say “no I don’t want to”….


Wait For Me…

How has life gotten so far ahead?  I wake up most mornings at 5am or earlier and still end up rushing – What gives? I often feel like I have been put on pause while the rest of my life kept moving without me and I’m constantly trying to catch up!

With that said, what am I trying to catch up to or with? I’m not sure because I can no longer read all the to dos on my to do list… It’s not just me every day I have friends, clients and coworkers all singing the same tune… “Wait for me!” As time continues to race past at the speed of light while we are still caught in yesterday or as for me last week! I continue to ask myself what am I trying to catch up with???

I’d like to be caught up with paper work, laundry, emptying the trash, sleep, phone calls, reading, friends, projects, you name it .We are all “behind” in one, some or all of these areas. Or are we? Isn’t life made up cycles nothing really ends so how can we “finish”?

Now that I know there isn’t a finish line. I’m going to take a nap – so don’t wait for me I’ll catch you later…




I find the older I get the more compromising I do! Ironically I had this thought as I ran back from my walk/run. (I walk the out and run the back on a two mile out and back.)

This got me to thinking on how many other “little” compromises I’ve made lately. A pumpkin latte over pumpkin cheesecake, yoga over sleeping thirty more minutes, egg white omelet over pancakes… You get the picture!  Remember when it was staying in bed all day, getting up and eating pancakes smothered in syrup, followed with cheesecake for dinner?Sure aging has it’s benefits, we are supposedly wiser, more financially stable (chuckle). We’ve been there and done that and are grown up now.

I’ll close with the one thing I will never compromise; My Integrity, it’s the only thing we get to take with us… Unless the funeral director is willing to compromise and let me take a dozen vanilla creamed donuts…


Questions on Aging?

Okay I admit it I’m 54 years old. Most days I’m okay with that and I take the Popeye philosophy ” I am what I am.”  Then there are the damp rainy days when I walk up and down the stairs and can’t tell if it’s the stairs or me creaking. This got me pondering these age old questions on old age: If we call wrinkles laughter lines why do we have them all over our body? Why are brown spots freckles when your young and age spots when you mature? Which leads to the question why are there so many immature – mature adults? What is the time line from a young chick, to a spring chicken, to a mother hen, to just being fowl? Can any one explain how you can go from a 34 B to a 36 Long? Why aren’t spider veins considered body art and tattoos of spider webs are? Do male hair follicles reverse course?  Instead of growing on the head they sprout out of noses and ears.

These were just a few, there are a zillion more but I just had a senior moment and forgot them…

Keep on Rocking, (in the chair that is)




Up and At’Em…

Today I was booking an appointment and noticed it was on my father’s birthday, or what would have been his birthday. I then realized he would have been 82 and I couldn’t wrap my mind around that – He passed when he was 59.  Time is so innocuous until we stop and put it into perspective with an event or seeing someone or something we haven’t seen for a long time. Then the realization shakes us to our core. We’re getting older, and I’m not who or what I imagined myself to be…

In the past I would just be unsettled for that moment and continue on, but today it was different. I’m rethinking a few things and writing down some new goals. Because I’m not settling for who I am but, for who I imagined myself to be…

Funny, it was as if dad told me to “Get Up an At’Em” , which was his wake up call all those years ago…

Thank’s for the wake up call dad,


Truth or Consequences…

Truth or Consequences, not the really old game show or the town in New Mexico. It is about being truthful to ourselves and the outcome if we’re not.

I’ve been training a few of my high ranking students for their next level of black belt. Part of any martial artist’s training is the self discovery within that training. As a teacher I’m looking more for the growth in the person than the actual technique.  There are hundreds of examples of what I’m looking for during training for a Dan. The most important element; Is the student being true to his/her goal, and are they being truthful with themselves?

We all have tendencies to take ourselves for granted or imagine ourselves better than we actually are. I’ve had students on both ends of the spectrum. The extremely talented who slide by almost and often time effortlessly. They have all the tools except for the desire to be even BETTER! They except the Big Fish in the Small Pond status and never know or try for better.  Is the person lazy or lacking confidence? My guess is probably both. Example B; is similar to example A, but with less talent. Somehow in their minds they are second coming of Bruce Lee! Again root cause of the false bravado is lack of confidence and laziness.

Why do they lie to themselves? Why do any of us lie? Because we’re afraid of the truth. Discovering we may be less than perfect or we don’t match up is keeping drug companies and therapist employed.  There are different and varied layers to everyone’s onion. However until we don’t start discovering and dealing with our lies and their root cause, we will never reap the Consequence of a fully engaged life. Instead we will always be looking for ways to lie about the Consequences of our LIES… Funny thing about lies they only breed more, until we no longer recognize the TRUTH!

I’ve learned a lot of unpleasant things facing my truths, but in doing so I’m learning to be better at life. Which is far better than living a lie…


True DAT,